Day 3: still going. and a few thoughts about weight and bodies

I’m feeling proud that I’ve made it this far. I know it’s only 3 days in, but right now is about the time I would usually throw in the towel and have a big bowl of pasta. I’m also feeling worried (see previous). But I’ve had a good day today – with both food and exercise – and I learned how to do a deadlift!

I did C25K W1D2 this morning. I was surprised at how easy it felt. I will definitely be ready for week 2 next week. I was still a mile from home when the podcast ran out so I walked the rest of the way. I could have kept up with the intervals but I am committed to taking the running thing slow because otherwise it won’t work for me.

I told my brother and sister about this blog. They were both pleased and wanted to read it. I had hesitated about telling them. It’s one thing to post my weight and measurements and progress pics for the anonymous internet to see, it’s a whole nother kettle of fish for your nearest and dearest to have access to those things. Which got me thinking about people’s perceptions of weight. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve told someone my weight (outside the doctor’s office). Why? It’s not like people can’t see that I’m fat. Why does putting a number on it make it somehow worse? Why is it “bad” at all? I don’t actually mind being fat, most of the time — what I’m unhappy about is being unfit, and it’s hard to be fit when you’re as fat as I am. So then why am I so sensitive to what I imagine other people might think if they (gasp) actually heard the number that goes along with the body? It’s just a number, right?

I am 5’8″, and underneath my fat I’m big — big wrists, big ankles, wide feet — and stocky, built like a linebacker (inverted V). If I ate 1200 calories a day for the rest of my life I probably wouldn’t weigh much less than 160, which is “a lot” for a woman. If I eat clean and get really into strength training, I could probably weigh about 180 and be “thin” (for me) — and that’s really “a lot” for a woman. But 180 while muscley and thin doesn’t sound scary, even though the number is a lot higher than we expect healthy and thin women to weigh in this culture. I can only conclude that the difference between 160/180 and 263 is the body it’s attached to, and then I have to consider that I might actually care about what other people think of my body.

I don’t have any magical answers that will solve my brain and resolve societal expectations… but this stuff is important, because fat people should not be shamed for or ashamed of their bodies.

Fitness today
C25K + 1 mile walk + .75 mile walk (warm-up before strength training)
Strength training: Deadlifts, hack squats, 1- and 2-leg curls (hamstrings)

Food today
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 wh wh toast, 1/2 avocado, tomatillo salsa, dollop Greek yogurt
Lunch: Leftover chicken/mushroom/snow pea stir fry
Snack: 1 low-fat string cheese, grapes
Snack: Greek yogurt with pomegranate seeds and almonds
Dinner: sauteed halibut and spinach/spaghetti squash casserole with feta

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