Day 39: 5 good things; plus, words matter

  1. My recovery time is improving, which means my cardiovascular fitness is improving!
    C25k week 3: 90 seconds running, 90 seconds walking; 3 minutes running, 3 minutes walking; repeat. Total running time: 9 minutes. Running-to-walking ratio: 1:1 (excluding 5-minute warm-up and cool-down walks). How it felt: hard; dying to stop running; not enough recovery time.
    C25k week 4: 3 minutes running, 90 seconds walking; 5 minutes running, 2.5 minutes walking; repeat. Total running time: 16 minutes. Running-to-walking ratio: 2:1 (excluding warm-up and cool-down walks). How it felt: do-able; could have kept running; plenty of recovery time. And this was only day 1 (we’ll see how it goes on day 2!)
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Day 38: battles

I haven’t felt like blogging the last couple days. To be honest I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I worked out on Monday morning but didn’t do C25K on Tuesday. So much napping. My total calories have been fine but I’ve not had nearly enough protein either day.

Something I think might be happening: my feelings of failure related to my unemployment are strongest during the week (when I wish I was working) and over the last week or so have been affecting my overall motivation to do *anything* — cook, eat well, exercise on schedule, blog, stay awake… this, my friends, is called depression.

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Day 35: eating at a dinner party

Holy mother of Elvis, cleaning house is hard work. Got a workout in today after all…

I feel AWESOME about dinner today. Everything was delicious. I ate because I was hungry, ate a reasonable amount, and stopped when I was full. Even though it’s not the sort of thing I eat most days i can’t even call it an eat day. High five, self.

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Day 34: back on the wagon

The realization I had in the supermarket last night — I don’t want dessert tonight — was a bigger moment than I thought it was standing there in the bakery. It was the moment I got my motivation back (at least for now). It’s Saturday and the first thing I did when I woke up was put on my workout gear and head out for a run, not because I had to but because it’s just what I do. No bigs. High five, self.

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Day 33: another off day… with a rainbow on the horizon.

My motivation for everything, not just good food and exercise, is completely kaput right now. Is it just my period? I don’t think I’ve ever felt this blah before just because of my period. No exercise today. Napped 3 hours again. Didn’t go to the supermarket so had to do some freezer scrounging for food. (Well actually I did go to the supermarket — not to do a real shop though, only to get stuff for dinner and breakfast tomorrow. Couldn’t face a big shop.)

I choose not to be angry with myself for it. It accomplishes nothing.

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Day 32: an off day

Gah. Cramps, grumpy, etc. No c25k, didn’t even take a walk. Wanted to eat a mountain of food, didn’t. Total calories fine today but I had way less protein and vegetables than I like, and way more sugar than I like. Still, this is why it’s good not to have trigger foods around: I ate 3 kind bars (a food I have control over) as opposed to half a jar of peanut butter or a pound of pasta (foods I don’t).

Tomorrow is another day… And grocery store has to happen. Our cupboards and fridge are looking pretty pathetic. I couldn’t eat much more than kind bars tomorrow even if I wanted to.

Fitness today
Rest day.

Food today
9am: 1 cup Greek yogurt, 1 cup berries, 2 tbsp nut/seed granola, 1 cup green tea
12pm: 5oz pork loin, 15 multigrain crackers, 4 tsp butter
2pm: 3 kind bars, pb2
5pm: grilled cheese (2 slices multigrain bread, 4oz cheese, onion, mayo, butter)
9pm: 2 small Dreyers Popsicles

Day 31: eating disorders, disordered eating, and the trouble with “diets”

Like a lot of fat folks, I was raised by a dieter. My mother swears by Weight Watchers; she has been on and off WW for her entire adult life, she has been thin and fat but she has never maintained a steady weight, and she has never expressed any sort of contentment with her body. “I need to lose weight” has been her lifelong mantra — even at her thinnest. Recently I watched this video, a perfect, poetic description of contemporary womanhood : we are trained by our well-meaning mothers and socialized by popular culture to believe we should occupy less space, reject food, and second-guess our voices. It was the perfect description of my own experience and the experience of so many women I know. I learned to hate my body at a very young age (I already “knew” I was fat in first gradeand I felt bad about it).

All of this cultural, familial, and self-imposed baggage I’ve been carrying around for the last 25 years has done its damage. I have a history of several behaviors symptomatic of disordered eating (see the Mayo Clinic’s website for all the symptoms of eating disorders and disordered eating):

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