Day 82: gotta brag a little

Letting you know in advance, this is not fitness or food related in any way, so if you’re not interested in reading about my emotional turmoil/well-being this is not the post for you.

If you’ve followed my blog for awhile you probably know I’m kind of depressed (“moderately depressed,” according to a self rating scale used by psychologists). I’m over educated, unemployed, and it’s hard for new grads to get hired. Every time it looks like things are moving in the right direction for a job, I get passed over. It’s really rough for the self esteem (and my finances…).

If you’ve been depressed, you know it’s not just about being sad–it affects your ability to do things that are really easy for non-depressed people, such as make phone calls. It can make you afraid to do anything you don’t have control over. For me the hardest thing is answering the phone, checking voicemail, and checking email, because I have no way to know what’s on the other end, and it might be bad/more than I can handle. Unfortunately these are all things that are REALLY important if I’m going to find a job.

Last friday I hit a pretty low point and ended up talking to my mom and BF about how I felt–they both knew I was sad and frustrated but not the extent. They’ve both had experience with severe depression in the past and my mom was a psychotherapist for a long time during my childhood so they get it. They were kind but also clear that the things that feel hard wont magically feel easier–you just have to do them, and it can help you feel better.

Anyway, I need to brag because as of today, Friday, I have checked my email and listened to my voicemail every day this week. I even returned phone calls. Which is awesome because there were calls from people who might conceivably want to hire me. I realize for someone who has never been depressed this probably sounds completely ridiculous, but I don’t care. I am feeling very, very proud of myself right now. I am strong. I can beat this. This week is proof.

One fitness-related thought: my very wise sister once told me that when everything in your life feels out of your control, regular exercise can be a good way to feel like you can control something. Honestly I think my fitness program has been a huge help to me. I think I would be so much worse off right now without the sweat, endorphins, and visible progress.

Fitness today
Strength training: walking warmup, circuits (compound, total body workout)

Food today
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 2 Canadian bacon, 1 light high fiber English muffin (4P, 1 C)
Lunch: thai steak salad, 2 satsumas (5 P, 1 C)
Snack: cheezits, tuna salad (with bell pepper, onion, Greek yogurt). (3P, 2 F, 1 C)
Snack: buckeyes batter (2F, 1 C)
Dinner: brown rice, estofado (southwest beef stew), coleslaw. 6P, 2F, 2C.
Totals: 20 P, 6 F, 6 C


2 thoughts on “Day 82: gotta brag a little

  1. I think it’s good you talked to your family about it. Kudos to you for a great week – you SHOULD brag about it! I am all too familiar with depression so I completely understand how that feels.

    • Ugh depression sucks. But I am still feeling pretty good and I have high hopes for this week. Doing the things that are hard really does make a difference…

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